What Are Boundaries and How Do I Set Them?

What Are Boundaries and How Do I Set Them?

What are boundaries: Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves in order to maintain feelings of safety and respect with others. Communicating our boundaries with others is important for us to promote feelings of security and acceptance within relationships. We set boundaries, not only for others, but also for ourselves to go through life in ways we find most comfortable and beneficial. There are different styles and types of boundaries that can change depending on the person we are setting boundaries with as well as the context of that situation.

Boundary Styles:

Porous boundaries: Porous boundaries are present when we struggle to say no to someone, or struggle to voice our opinion or thoughts due to concerns about conflict, feelings of upset, or potential tensions within a relationship. If we have porous boundaries, we may struggle to tell someone ‘no’ or speak up when we do not want something.

Rigid boundaries: Rigid boundaries are present when we are not willing to hear others or engage in new experiences. While we may protect ourselves from getting hurt or feel increased security, we also risk increasing connection with others.

Healthy boundaries: Healthy boundaries are present when we are able to say ‘no’, or speak up when we do not want something, but also allow us to become closer to others and be open to new experiences.

Boundary Types:

Physical boundaries: Physical boundaries are set to maintain personal space and comfort, including a limit on physical touch. We may exhibit more rigid boundaries with strangers than with those closest to us, and we may find that our physical boundaries change as we become more comfortable with others.

Emotional boundaries: Emotional boundaries are set to maintain and protect our feelings. We may set emotional boundaries to include how much emotions we share with others, or how we take in the emotions of those around us. Having too porous or rigid emotional boundaries may mean we take on too much from others, or never share any of our feelings.
Intellectual boundaries: Intellectual boundaries are set to maintain our expression and exploration of thoughts and ideas. These may include an exploration into different view points and perspectives, while also the ability to share and understand our own views.

Sexual boundaries: Sexual boundaries are set to maintain our comfort and expression in sexuality. This may include our abilities to say no or express when we are uncomfortable, as well as being open to experiences that align with our desires and preferences.

Material boundaries: Material boundaries are set to maintain our possessions. We may set material boundaries when thinking about our personal needs, or of those around us. This involves how we give and receive material objects.

Time boundaries: Time boundaries are set to maintain our time. These may include a recognition of time management and flexibility of responsibilities.

We may find there are individuals we are more comfortable setting boundaries with, as they offer a sense of safety and security in communication and verbalization of wants and needs. However, we may find that others may question boundaries, or push back when we are stating our boundaries.

Setting and maintaining boundaries

How we communicate our boundaries is an important step in setting and maintaining boundaries. We can engage in assertive communication, including a clear statement of our wants and needs, open body language, and a willingness to listen to each other’s perspectives. Utilizing effective communication techniques while setting boundaries can aid in the process, and will make it easier in the event boundaries need to be reinstated.

Reactions and Acceptance

While we can control our words and actions, we cannot control interpretations or actions from others in response. It is important to find acceptance and confidence in setting boundaries, additionally recognizing that some individuals may not respect boundaries as they have been set. When this occurs, leaning on coping skills and social support can be helpful in preventing the presentation of negative emotions, thoughts, or feelings of overwhelm. As with other skills we develop over time, being confident in setting and maintaining effective boundaries takes time, and may involve trial and error. Gaining a better understanding of our needs and being confident in vocalizing them is one of the first steps in building the skills for setting effective boundaries.