What you learned about yourself in childhood and how shame shaped it

What You Learned About Yourself in Childhood—And How Shame Shaped It


Think about the power of a memory. There is so much information stored in what seems like a small amount of time. Now, try and recollect the last time you visited an amusement park or the country fair. Can you envision the attractions you visited? The people you were with? How about the “butterflies” feeling as you suddenly dropped 10 feet on the roller coaster. But what about the emotion? Oftentimes, when we access a memory we can also unlock the sensory part of a memory. In short, sometimes the memory feels distant, but the emotion feels pronounced, where we internalize the emotion. Shame is a commonly internalized emotion that most individuals carry with them, but may not realize the impact it has on their lives. Let’s further explore the origins of shame and it may be (silently) shaping how you view yourself and the world around you.

What Shame Really Is (and What it Isn’t)

It is not unusual to hear folks use the words guilt and shame interchangeably. These words sound similar, but have different implications. Pause for a moment and reflect on what your definition of guilt is versus the definition of shame. Guilt “says”, I messed up and I can do better next time. However, shame “ says’” I messed up and that is who I am. While we recognize we are not our thoughts or emotions, there is something about strong emotions, like shame, that are difficult to experience. One reason for this could be because shame is often formed early during childhood, before we have a chance to question or challenge ideas surrounding shame. Shame can feel like that one task on your to-do list that you don’t enjoy, but know what it needs to be addressed. The task that you keep rolling over to the next week, but never really feel confident tackling.

How Childhood Shapes Your Sense of Self

From an early age we are trying to make sense of the world around us; as humans we are “meaning makers”. Our brains are constantly storing information and retrieving it at a moment’s notice; sifting through thousands of stimuli at any given moment. These combinations of stored information can serve as memories; stored away and kept safe by the hippocampus. In the same breath, while the memories are kept safe, the emotions associated with these experiences often accompany the memory. Therefore, when you recall these early experiences, it is not only relaying what happened, but also how it made you feel. Additionally, our brains are excellent at making meaning of interactions, whether the emotion intended was overt or covert. In other words, sometimes as children we experienced things that prompted us to internalize a sense of shame, whether that was the intended message or not. For example, when needs are inconsistently met, children frequently internalize shame and the message that “I’m too much”. Or, if your parents praised you as long as you were earning awards and accolades; the internalized message is “love is earned” or that “I am not enough”. Again, these messages often feel like whispers, even difficult to identify at the moment. Over time, these whispers can begin to feel like yelling; where the idea of shame impacts self-esteem and close relationships.

Beginning to Unlearn Shame’s Story

Unlearning the story of shame means starting from the beginning. Begin to reflect on “What did you learn you had to be in order to feel seen or loved?” Once you’ve identified the origins, begin to question whose voice that is and who taught you that is how love is earned. Unlearning shame can be a timely, emotionally taxing process that can be processed through the support of a trained therapist.


A trained therapist can better help you identify where shame began to take up space in your story and what it looks like to unlearn the story of shame. If you are interested in scheduling, reach out today!

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”- Carl Jung