The Skill of Sitting With Discomfort (and How to Practice It)
Dear Diary,
I spent hours yesterday doom scrolling the internet until I finally went to bed at 1:14am . The whole time I knew I should be getting some well-deserved rest but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I had to do the next day. I began to think about the overdue projects at work, remembering to respond to my mom about weekend plans, making sure I find some time for self-care (so important). Then, I realized anxiety kicked in, then I became anxious about being anxious! Let’s hope I get some better sleep tonight…
This journal entry is an example of what happens when we shy away from sitting with discomfort. Our brains begin to piece together information that may not be relevant or brings up emotions that can give an unclear picture of reality. Sitting with discomfort is an underutilized skill. Let’s further explore what it means to sit with discomfort and why it is a valuable tool.
What Does Sitting with Discomfort Actually Mean?
Sitting with discomfort (also known as distress tolerance) means identifying a thought and allowing time to process it before trying to react to it. This might look like taking deep breaths before responding to someone who has made you angry, or when you feel sad, allowing yourself to cry instead of distracting with funny social media posts. Sitting with discomfort does not mean suppressing the emotion or enduring pain. Distress tolerance is not about willpower either; it is about simply accepting a thought/emotion with a non-judgemental type approach. Judging and criticizing yourself for a certain thought or emotion does make the feeling dissipate. In fact, dismissing your feelings/thoughts can prolong a sense of discomfort–causing feelings to intensify over time.
Why Discomfort Feels so Threatening
We often go to great lengths to avoid feelings of discomfort. In fact, our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So, from an evolutionary, survival standpoint our brain is wired to keep us alive, not necessarily happy. Therefore, when our brain senses discomfort it can prompt a fight/flight response; triggering our brain to get us out of the present situation that’s causing discomfort. In short, our brain is trying to protect us. Even certain emotions can prompt a sense of discomfort. Emotions like guilt, anxiety, anger, and sadness are often difficult emotions to identify and sit with. These emotions often have negative connotations, making them even more tempting to avoid or suppress. However, the longer an emotion or thought is suppressed, the more difficult it becomes to sit with when the emotion is actually experienced. Let’s use an example of a wave when thinking about emotions. Say you have a difficult time sitting with sadness. Each time you choose to avoid sitting with feelings of sadness, the wave rises higher and higher, making the sadness that much more difficult to sit with when you decide to experience the emotion. I know sitting with some of these emotions is uncomfortable, but simply because you feel uncomfortable does not mean that you are unsafe.
How to Practice Sitting with Discomfort
Learning to tolerate discomfort can be a difficult skill to practice, at first, but there are a plethora of benefits on the other side of tolerating discomfort. Listed below are some examples of what it looks like to sit with discomfort:
Label the emotion: I cannot regulate an emotion I’m not willing to admit I’m experiencing. As you begin identifying these uncomfortable emotions more frequently, the more you will build self-awareness and decide how to want to regulate the emotion, in the moment.
Notice what’s happening in your body: After you’ve identified an emotion ask yourself “What am I feeling?” and “where do I notice it?”. These types of questions prompt us to process these emotions on a deeper level and help to gain a self-awareness of what it looks like to experience a certain emotion.
Slow down the urge to “fix”: Emotions are not something to be “fixed”; it’s simply another way that my body or brain is telling me that I feel uncomfortable. Once you’ve identified an emotion, take a few seconds to experience it before you rush to distract yourself from the discomfort.
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