Simple Ways to Improve Your Relationship in the New Year

Simple Ways to Improve Your Relationship in the New Year
As the new year comes into full swing and Valentine’s Day creeps closer and closer, many of my clients, in one way or another, wonder about what it would take to improve their relationship with their partner. While many take different approaches, there are a few tried and true ways of bolstering communication, whether you are at the beginnings of a new relationship or looking for ways to build bonds in a long term relationship.
Active Listening
What is active listening? Active listening is simple in theory, yet difficult at times to implement in the moment. It calls for focusing on listening as an active process, rather than something we take part in passively and treat as an afterthought. One way to approach active listening is to break it down into three simple concepts:
Demonstrating that you are listening
Creating an environment that encourages sharing
Getting curious about understanding
Demonstrating That You Are Listening
In the era of the smart phone and constantly being connected to a deep ocean of information, it can be admittedly difficult to identify even ten minutes in which we do not at least peek briefly at a screen of some sort. The first step of active listening is to demonstrate that you are interested in what your partner has to say. Try putting away any distractions, and focus on really taking in one the other person is saying. At the same time, think about how you can communicate that you are listening both verbally and nonverbally. Not all people are fans of eye contact, but turning towards someone, nodding in agreement, or reacting to emotional content can be potential ways of showing that you’re listening. Alternatively, one might try verbal cues. My personal favorites are “mm-hmmm” or “I hear you.”
Creating a Sharing Environment
Next, one might think about creating an environment that is conducive to your partner sharing. Firstly, fully show that you’re listening by using reflections. To elaborate, a reflection is the act of checking for understanding by summarizing what you gathered from what your conversation partner said. You can include important points or even reflect emotional content (for example, “that must have been so stressful.”)
Another way to encourage sharing is asking open ended questions. A rule of thumb is that an open ended question cannot be fully answered by a simple yes or no. They encourage elaboration, and further signal that you want to hear more of what they have to say. Some good examples are:
“How did you feel when _____?”
“Tell me more about ______.”
“What are your thoughts on _______?”
Be Open to Understanding
Lastly, try your best to understand. Rather than zeroing in on how you are going to respond, try your best to be fully present in what the other person has to say. Similarly, you do not always have to agree with what the other person is saying, but the goal of active listening is to fully understand their perspective.
“I” Statements
Now that you have active listening down, then it is time to explore how to effectively share your own emotions and experiences. A great place to start is by practicing using “I” statements when addressing one’s own feelings.
“I” statements come especially in handy during moments of conflict, in which it might feel easier to slip into moments of defensiveness or blame. For instance, rather than “you are so inconsiderate when you come home late,” try re-phrasing to “I feel worried and disregarded when you arrive home late.”
Keep in mind, the idea is not to take accountability away from the actions of others; however, we do want to take ownership over our own emotions while communicating them to others (which allows us to begin the process of getting our own needs met).
Conclusion
While these are definitely not the be all end all list of communication skills, it is a great place to begin for anyone who wants to level up their relationship game this year.