People-Pleasing is Not the Same as Kindness
Imagine you are at a work meeting and your supervisor describes all the new changes that are happening within the company. With these changes, your supervisor goes on to describe how there will be more opportunities to participate on various projects, bringing new opportunities for upward momentum–and stress. Your supervisor scans the room asking who would like to be part of these changes and volunteer for additional growth opportunities. Pause. Imagine what your next response might be. What would be the motivation behind raising your hand? Are you saying “yes” because you have the capacity to take on more responsibilities and want to support your team or are you saying “yes” to avoid a sense of discomfort and/or feared repercussions for not volunteering. One side of this coin points to kindness, a genuine desire to connect with others on your team, while the other is based in fear. This simple, yet narrow line is what differentiates kindness from people-pleasing.
What is People-pleasing
People-pleasing can be defined as minimizing one’s own needs for the sake of others; this is often rooted in avoiding discomfort, conflict, or seeking the approval of others. People-pleasing tendencies can look like saying “yes” to helping that friend move, when internally you are screaming “no” because you are so exhausted from the long week you’ve had. These tendencies can also be a refusal to share your true thoughts/feelings on a subject because you are afraid that your opinions may lead to conflict or shift someone’s perspective of you. Let’s take a second to shed some light on the fact that people-pleasing tendencies are usually learned when someone experiences an unpredictable or emotionally hostile childhood environment. People-pleasing is like any other coping skill–it once served a purpose (avoiding discomfort, wanting to be valued and appreciated). Unfortunately, while these tendencies help to avoid discomfort in the moment, these behaviors can actually lead to feelings of disconnection and inauthenticity.
What Authentic Kindness Looks Like
Unlike people-pleasing, an act of kindness is not rooted in fear, but in a hope of connection and compassion, instead of obligation. Kindness helps you to feel more empowered. You get to choose when to say “yes” or “no”; “yes” does not have to be the assumed default. This type of autonomy can also lead to feeling more balance in your relationships. Let’s think of relationships in terms of banking (withdrawals and deposits); there will be some interactions that leave you feeling refreshed, supported and seen–this is a deposit. While there are some interactions that feel draining and tiring–this is a withdrawal. When a “yes” is motivated by people-pleasing behaviors, most relationships and interactions can feel like there are more withdrawals than deposits. Additionally, showing kindness is a manifestation of the care and respect you have for others and for yourself. On the other hand, people-pleasing is motivated by a search for approval from others, paying little attention to your own needs and desires.
Shifting from People-pleasing to Authentic Kindness
Sorting through your motivations behind saying “yes” to something or someone often requires a level of introspection; thinking about thinking, otherwise known as metacognition. Listed below are a few tools to help shift from people-pleasing to authentic kindness:
Pause and reflect– Am I saying “yes” because of genuine care or am I afraid of disappointing the other person?
Sit in the temporary discomfort–There will likely be a period of discomfort as you begin to unlearn people-pleasing tendencies. However, as you actively practice boundary setting the discomfort will likely decrease over time. This action is building your distress tolerance.
Honoring yourself and your relationships– saying “no” isn’t about being “mean” or “uncaring”; setting these boundaries can be a way to honor yourself and your needs. In healthy relationships, there is room for more than one person’s emotions/thoughts to coexist.
"You can't be everything to everyone without being nothing to yourself." — Unknown
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