Assertive, Not Aggressive: Standing Firm with Family While Staying Connected

Assertive, Not Aggressive: Standing Firm with Family While Staying Connected

Assertiveness is an invaluable communication skill that can seem elusive. Research shows that practicing assertiveness can bolster interpersonal confidence and self-esteem. Assertive communication involves a sense of boldness and decisiveness; this can be expressed verbally and through body language.

Now, imagine yourself at a family dinner; then a request to pass the salt has somehow delineated into a state of general tension and angst. Being assertive with family can be incredibly difficult, especially during a conflict. Thankfully, there are ways to practice assertiveness without breaking the bond with family.

What is Assertiveness?

Before practicing assertiveness with family, we have to define what assertiveness is and what it is not. Practicing assertiveness relates back to communication styles; take a moment to reflect on your usual communication style. Based on the list below, what does your communication usually look and sound like?

• Aggression: prioritizing one’s needs over the needs of others. Often not listening to what the other person has to say, interrupting and not allowing others a chance to speak.
• Passive: prioritizing others’s needs over one’s own, not expressing needs/wants,
  and avoiding eye contact.
• Assertive: clearly staging one’s needs/wants with a sense of confidence, while maintaining good eye contact. Avoids crossing of arms or body language that may
  express a sense of disinterest.

What are the differences you notice between each of these communication styles? How might practicing assertiveness bring you closer to your goals with your family?

Family Dynamics and Assertiveness

Let’s be honest–practicing assertiveness in and of itself is difficult. Practicing this skill with family-can seem like an insurmountable feat. Family dynamics and upbringing can greatly impact our views on assertiveness and how we practice it. Ponder on how you witnessed conflict growing up (conflict between parents, siblings, grandparents). Did the conflict ever seem to be resolved? Or did it appear like one person was able to voice their thoughts while others weren’t able to express their thoughts at all? Maybe everyone was able to express their thoughts and feelings all at once, further increasing conflict but never really inching towards resolution.

Common Scenarios

Listed below are a few common examples of what it may look like to be assertive with family.

• “Unfortunately, due to my schedule this week, I am unable to help with that task
  this weekend.”
  • This is an example of setting boundaries, assertively, with family. This response sounds decisive and concise.
• “The way you are speaking to me makes me feel unheard in this situation.”
  • This is a way of practicing assertiveness and setting expectations for how you interpersonally interact with members of your family.
• "I've noticed that we tend to get into arguments about [topic], and I think we should work on communicating in a healthier way.”
  • This speaks to family dynamics and where breakdowns in communication are occurring. Using the word “we” implies a shared effort towards a resolution instead of placing blame on others.

Tips and Scripts

• Use “I” Statements, Avoiding “You” Statements
  • Using phrases like “You always”, “You never” or “You are” may come across as more accusatory.
  • Example: “I am feeling unheard in this conversation”
• Set the Tone
  • Remaining emotionally regulated, even when other family members are not can feel overwhelming. Try and take a deep breath prior to and during difficult conversations, if needed.
  • If you find it increasingly difficult to continue conversation with a family member, ask if they are willing to take a 5-min break and return to the conversation.
  • Practice acknowledging when a family member is receptive to your assertive communication.
• Practice Assertive Body Language
  • Maintain direct eye contact, without staring
  • Stand or sit upright (this conveys confidence)
  • Speaking clearly, at a moderate pace

Summary

Practicing assertive communication, especially with family, is a difficult skill that takes time and repetition. Take some extra time to reflect on where and how you would like to practice assertive communication with your family (a specific topic or with a specific family member). Assertiveness is not a tool that is meant to be divisive, rather allows space for each member to express their thoughts and feelings.