“If You Could Say One Thing to Your Childhood Self...”

If you could go back in time and say one thing to your childhood self, what would it be? Would you go back and tell yourself to invest in Amazon? Tell yourself to skip on the awkward fashion trend that (thankfully) faded from style quicker than anyone predicted? What if you could go back to reassure a younger version of yourself? There is an inherent heaviness and helpfulness to reflecting on a younger version of ourselves. Examining our lives in this manner is called inner child work. Let’s talk a walk back in time to examine how patterns from our past can impact our present.

Why This Question Matters

Many folks struggle to connect with the idea of discussing past experiences because the past is, just that, resolute and immovable–it can’t be changed. While we can’t change the past, it often holds invaluable information about patterns, relationships, our worldview and ideas of self. Taking a deeper dive into childhood experiences helps to gain insight into these patterns and worldviews. Specifically, when we dissect formative childhood relationships with adult figures such as parents, teachers, and other caregivers, we get a better understanding of ourselves. Once you’ve reflected on these experiences, it is usually helpful to ask yourself “what did that experience teach me about _________?” For example, many individuals form their ideas about conflict (or a lack thereof) from formative adult figures. In your family of origin, perhaps you witnessed conflict, but did you see the resolution? Or maybe you didn’t see conflict in an overt form, but you felt the tension in the household. Either way, these experiences teach something about conflict resolution.
It may also be challenging to connect to the younger version of yourself because you believe that that means that you are somehow blaming your parents or other adult figures. It makes sense to feel protective of our loved ones, hesitant to assign. The goal of this introspective child work is not to place blame on others, but simply providing context.
Despite the discomfort the question may bring about, connecting with our inner child is important. When we are able to connect with this younger version of ourselves we are able to listen to that part of us that may have felt silenced, dismissed and undervalued.

Complex Process

Inner child work is a complex and dynamic process that may involve a myriad of emotions. There may be relief that you are able to identify and connect with this younger version of yourself. Maybe you are giving this part the microphone for the first time in a long time or ever. Perhaps feelings of confusion arise; you can connect with the younger version of yourself, but may be asking ‘now what?’. There may also be feelings of grief towards this part. More specifically, a sadness and a grief of what could have been if needs were met earlier. These parts and the feelings they evoke are absolutely valid. These emotions would also be beneficial to further explore with a trained mental health professional to better understand what these parts and emotions mean to you.

You Can be What you Needed Then

To reiterate, we cannot change the past. But through a process called “reparenting” we can show the support that our younger selves would appreciate. Maybe this looks like reminding yourself that “it wasn’t your job to keep the peace” or “you are lovable exactly the way that you are”. The goal of inner child work is to connect with, speak to and reassure a younger version of ourselves, not to change the past. Have you formed an answer to the original question? If you could say one thing to your childhood self, what would that be?

Maybe you’ve read this post and are uncertain about your answer to the title’s question or maybe you have the answer, but you’re uncertain how you feel about the response. Either way, processing these thoughts and emotions in therapy can be beneficial. This post borrows themes from a modality called Internal Family Systems (IFS) and I often work with clients who are interested in exploring their relationship with different parts. If you’d like to begin this journey, reach out to schedule!