What Are Attachment Styles and How Can We Foster a Secure One?
Starting from birth, we learn how to interact with the world and others around us. We learn to explore, we learn to interact with others, we learn what’s safe and what’s not, and we learn how to connect with others. We learn these things and more through the care we receive from our guardians. Do I feel safe exploring my environment? Do we feel safe with others? Do we have someone to go to when we are scared or hurting? These are all things built and reinforced by our attachment style.
What is Attachment?
Attachment styles are first developed when we are young, based on our early childhood experiences. These can be reinforced or changed as we age, as we are constantly influenced by those around us.
We need a safe place to go to when we are feeling scared, or unsure of the world around us. Having a secure attachment to your caregiver can positively impact future interactions with others, feelings of safety and security as we move throughout the world, and the development and maintenance of healthy and happy relationships. Attachment later in life affects not only familial relationships, but also with romantic partners and friends. Without someone fostering security when we are young, we can grow to feel hesitant about the world around us, and we can struggle to create and maintain healthy relationships. But how do we know what attachment style we have?
Different Attachment Styles:
Research shows attachment is traditionally displayed in four different styles:
Avoidant:
Avoidant attachment styles are characterized by feeling withdrawn, distant, and defensive in relationships. People with avoidant attachment tend to be more independent and struggle with fostering a deeper connection and stronger intimacy with others. This can lead to increased feelings of stress and can generate more conflict in relationships. People with avoidant attachment tend to keep an emotional distance with others, and avoid deeper discussions.
Disorganized:
Disorganized attachment styles are characterized by inconsistent expression of avoidant and anxious styles. Disorganized attachment styles can develop when caregivers exhibit inconsistent affection and comfort, leading to shifts in emotions and behaviors. People with disorganized attachment tend to overanalyze other people’s behaviors and feelings, displaying a struggle to trust and become close with others.
Anxious:
Anxious attachment styles are characterized by feelings of anxiety and insecurity due to a fear of the caregiver leaving. Anxious attachment styles can develop when the caregiver was not around or did not display consistent security and comfort. People with anxious attachment often look for connection in relationships, are fearful of others leaving, and will often sacrifice themselves and their needs for others to prevent abandonment or rejection. They are more sensitive to the emotions of others, especially when in a romantic relationship.
Secure:
Secure attachments are what we all hope to develop. Secure attachment styles develop with supportive and consistent caregivers, those who create a safe space to explore, and a space of comfort. Secure attachment styles are characterized by security in adult relationships, feelings of support, and an openness of thoughts and feelings. People with secure attachments are taught that it is okay to be vulnerable and explore because there is someone there for safety and security.
Attachment styles can change over time
The attachment style you develop in childhood is not concrete - you can change your attachment style. The interactions and relationships we have with others as we grow up influences our attachment style. This means we can create a secure attachment for ourselves.
How can we change our attachment style?
Working with a therapist can help you to develop and strengthen skills in order to create and maintain a secure attachment style to have healthier relationships with others. The therapist can help you to explore, identify, and process through experiences in childhood that led to insecure attachment. Understanding our past experiences can allow us to understand our current relationships, improve communication and connection with others, build and strengthen our emotional bonds, develop emotional regulation skills, and create healthier relationships.
While we cannot change our interactions with caregivers when we were young, it is never too late to start fostering safe and secure relationships, for us in the present and for relationships yet to come.
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