Being the Emotional Caretaker: Unpacking the Unbalanced Roles

Imagine it's a crisp, spring Tuesday morning. Jane is waiting for two friends at a local coffee shop. Jane notices her two friends walking up to the table, but something doesn’t seem quite right. Maybe it's the sideways glances or the crossed arms, but Jane feels this tension and irritation between her friends. This is the feeling Jane was dreading leading up to this moment. Her friends take a seat and Jane immediately begins to make jokes, tell a funny story–anything to deflect from the conflict that’s about to erupt between her friends. Jane has always been the friend that “keeps the peace”; the one that others rely on to ease the tension in the room when there’s conflict. Sound familiar? Maybe you
know Jane or maybe you hear similarities within her story and yours. Jane has taken on the role of an emotional caretaker. A role that often originates with good intentions, but can have long-term harming effects for the caretaker.

Definition of an Emotional Caretaker

An emotional caretaker often prioritizes the feelings of others, while usually neglecting their own. Emotional caretakers have learned to anticipate the feelings and needs of others; usually this looks like a state of hyper-vigilance or “walking on eggshells”. They may even feel a sense of discouragement from expressing their own thoughts because it may “disrupt” the equilibrium they’ve worked to achieve. Emotional caretaking can also look like taking responsibility for the emotions/thoughts/actions of others to avoid conflict.

Who is Most Likely to be an Emotional Caretaker?

There are several factors that impact someone’s propensity to take on an emotional caregiving role. For example, first born children or children who grew up being emotionally responsible for adults tend to perpetuate emotional caregiving in their own adult lives. Cultural and societal influences can also impact someone’s probability of being an emotional caregiver. Finally, individuals in helping professions (nurses,
teachers, social workers) have an increased likelihood of being emotional caregivers. Emotional caregivers also tend to practice people-pleasing tendencies, making boundary
setting quite difficult. Emotional caregiving usually starts out with the best of intentions–making folks feel comfortable and happy. No harm in that, right? When the comfort of others starts to come at a cost to you, ask yourself, is it worth it?

Emotional Caretaking versus Health Support

It’s a natural response to show care and concern for those you care about. Let’s delineate the line between emotional caretaking and healthy support.

Emotional Caretaking looks like:

• Constantly taking an emotional "temperature check” with those around you.
• Anticipating other’s moods
• Feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions/actions
• Feeling the need to “fix” or mediate the emotions and conflicts of others.

Healthy support looks like:

• Listening with empathy, while acknowledging the onus is not on you to “fix” problems for your loved ones.
• You are not responsible for the emotions/reactions/behaviors of others refraining from feeling responsible for fixing other’s problems.
• Validation of other’s emotions
• Words of encouragement

Strategies for Rebalancing

1. Boundary setting:
   • Oftentimes, our sense of boundaries (or sometimes a lack therefore) is learned in early relationships (parents, grandparents, siblings). Take a moment to reflect about what emotional boundaries you already have in place within your relationships.
2. Reflections
   • Before engaging in emotional caregiving behaviors, ask yourself “What is my goal here, to fix or to support?” Also identify who/what is placing this expectation on me at this moment?
3. Assertive communication
   • Communicating assertively can be a helpful way to enforce and reinforce emotional boundaries–especially when it is tempting to revert to emotional caregiving tendencies.

Maybe after reading this article you identify with our friend, Jane, a bit more than you realized. The reality is-relationships are challenging! There are often many complex dynamics at play within our relationships. I encourage you to further reflect on your relationships. If you want to start engaging in relationships that leave you feeling replenished and not depleted–reach out to schedule!