Navigating Grief & Loss During the Holidays

Q&A: Navigating Grief & Loss During the Holidays

In my years as a therapist, I have found that the winter season can be particularly challenging for clients. From navigating family dynamics to reckoning with accomplishments from the past year, there is typically no dearth of topics to discuss in the therapy room. Particularly, the discussion of grief can feel pronounced during this time. Alongside the weight of the host of emotions that accompany a significant loss, the expectation for celebration and togetherness during the holiday season may feel like an additional burden to the griever. I can’t count how many times I have noticed my client’s obligation to feign happiness, for fear of transferring the emotional burden onto loved ones.

Grief’s Many Masks

It’s important to note that grief takes on many masks. A little discussed facet is anticipatory grief; maybe we are beginning to fear what life might look like after the passing of a loved one who is still physically present. Many caregivers report feeling the weight of anticipatory grief during the holidays and other big anniversaries.

Perhaps you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, or a significant loss that is not typically acknowledged or accommodated due to societal expectations or cultural norms. For instance, the unexpected termination of pregnancy, the death of a childhood pet, a heart wrenching breakup, or being let go from what you thought would be a long term job.

What piece of advice would you give to someone celebrating their first holiday season after a big loss?

To put it simply, my first piece of advice for someone navigating their first holiday season after a big loss is to give yourself grace. This can be as simple as telling yourself that it is perfectly acceptable to not show up in the ways that you typically do. For instance, maybe you give yourself permission to say no to a family party or to plan an exit strategy when you feel overwhelmed.

It can also be helpful to create intentional time to honor your loss. For example, the bereaved might take the time to visit a loved one’s grave site or cook a homemade dish that they loved. For those experiencing disenfranchised grief, perhaps you create a ritual to honor your unique loss, or set aside time to feel your emotions without having to “fix” or change them.

What are some practical tips on how to support loved ones who are grieving?

Let me start by saying that I have been on both sides of this interaction, as the griever as well as the meaning friend who has absolutely no idea what to say. As a therapist who has also gone through a big loss during the holiday season, the kernel of advice is that it is as simple as giving your loved one space to just be. This can look different from person to person, but keep the following three things in mind:

• Be available (both physically and emotionally).
• Take cues from the griever. Some individuals might want to tell their story, but just as many may be in need of a distraction.
• You do not need to give advice! Sometimes your presence and quiet support can be enough.

Am I grieving right?

There is no one right way to grieve! Your grief may look completely different than a stranger’s or even your best friend’s. “Grieving well” holds that no one person experiences grief in the same way; however, it offers that there’s a way that we can honor our grief by not pushing it to the wayside (when possible) and meeting yourself with curiosity and compassion.