From Roommates to Partners Again: Rekindling Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is one of the main components at the nucleus of relationship satisfaction. But, it can be difficult to maintain a sense of emotional connection if you and your partner are in a "roommate phase”. While not uncommon, this phase can be difficult to recognize and depart from in your partnership. Let’s take some time to think of ways to reconnect with your partner whether you and your partner are in the midst of a roommate phase or hoping to prevent one. This is about rekindling emotional intimacy.

Where Are We?

Oftentimes, couples spend significant periods of time in the roommate phase before they realize it. The phase is subtle, quiet; this phase usually coincides with everyday tasks/goals. For example, one evening you and your partner decided to eat dinner in the living room while you watch television. The evening felt relaxing–enjoying takeout food while in your pajamas–sounds relaxing! But before you realize it, the nights that were once filled with light-hearted conversations around the dinner table have devolved into settling for watching the same episodes of your favorite sitcom on the couch. Meanwhile, weeks–maybe months have passed with multiple missed opportunities for connection. Or maybe you have dinner with your partner, but soon after part ways for the evening to spend time on individual pursuits. It can be so easy to fall into a roommate phase with your partner; a phase where we get sidetracked by the day-to-day that we forget to remain intentional about emotionally connecting with our partner. Ask yourself, when was the last time you learned something “new” about your partner? An example of this can be a new song they are listening to or a new friend they met. If you find it difficult to answer this question, it may be time to assess if you and your partner are in a roommate phase. Or maybe you didn’t have to ponder long–perhaps you already realize your relationship is in a roommate phase–and that’s okay too! Let’s take some time to discuss ways to reconnect with your partner while in a roommate phase.

Scheduling in Intentional Time Together

Scheduling intentional time with your partner is one way to push past the roommate phase. Think about sharing your calendar with your partner to schedule a day and time to connect. Try and find a day/time that you are consistently available and make it a standing appointment. By scheduling a time that works for both of you, there is a decreased likelihood of cancelling or having to reschedule the time with your partner. I also encourage you to take inventory of your individual commitments–are any of these negotiable or able to be rescheduled? Having time for individual pursuits can be healthy, but if they are beginning to interfere with the time you have with your partner, it may be time to reassess the value/time/cost of these outside commitments. Even discussing scheduling this intentional time with your partner can serve as an opportunity for connection. Initiating the conversation allows space for vulnerability, signifying to your partner your care for them and your relationship.

“Can we talk?”

Sometimes hearing phrases like “roommate phase” can be intimidating– it can even prompt a sense of anxiety and overwhelm. But sometimes, calling out the elephant in the room can alleviate that sense of anxiety. Don’t be afraid to have an honest conversation with your partner about your emotions. How powerful might it be for you to be open and transparent with your partner about the phase the relationship is in. A relationship cannot endure through challenges neither partner will admit. Initiating the conversation may feel uncomfortable at first, but think about the connection to be gained on the other side of the initial discomfort. Also, focus on using active listening skills, “I” statements, and emotion words during the conversation. Practice listening with an open mind and monitor your assumptions; try not to anticipate your partner’s responses or emotions.

If you find your relationship in the roommate phase, that’s okay! Getting past this phase requires both partners having vulnerable, transparent conversations about their emotions and expectations. While initiating these conversations can be uncomfortable, your relationship will be more emotionally rich because of your vulnerability.