Two People, One Painful Truth And the Possibility of Healing

Marriages are unlike any other relationship; they can be a beautiful, dynamic blend of personalities, cultures and beliefs. They are a symbolic representation of unity, love and partnerships–a promise. But what happens when one partner (or both) goes back on that promise? What happens next? Oftentimes, when a breach of trust is revealed it can feel like the entire world stops spinning for a moment. Approximately 25% of couples experience some form of infidelity over the course of their relationship. While this
number may seem discouraging, trust can be rebuilt following infidelity. Some
marriages can survive and thrive following infidelity. However, healing starts with two partners willing to engage in a tough conversation.

Name the Pain and Understand the Wound

Rebuilding a marriage following infidelity starts with naming the pain. The relationship cannot heal from something the partners aren’t willing to admit out loud. When unaddressed, infidelity can begin to feel like the elephant in the room. No one talks about the elephant but its presence is unmistakable. The discovery and discussion of infidelity can be upsetting for both partners; both are experiencing pain, but from differing perspectives. It is common for the hurt spouse to feel a sense of anger, grief, confusion; this can prompt the individual to question the trajectory of the relationship. It is also common for the unfaithful partner to experience a sense of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a fear of losing the relationship. When infidelity is discussed, it naturally creates a wound, a relational trauma, within the relationship. Not without
challenges, but the wound can be mended.

Let’s Talk

Clear, concise and intentional communication is pivotal in a relationship’s recovery from infidelity. Practice establishing physical and emotional safety before discussing emotions regarding the breach of trust. This looks like being mindful of your body language (avoid crossing arms or eye rolling) and allowing both partners space to discuss their feelings. Once safety is established, practice being transparent while actively listening to the other person; even when the other person’s perspective is difficult to hear. Active listening helps to reduce the frequency of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Try reflecting back what you hear your partner say using “I” statements and feeling words (Ex: “What I’m hearing you say is that you feel hurt”).

Healing is Not Linear, or Timed

As uncomfortable as these discussions may be, recovering from infidelity usually requires multiple, vulnerable conversations. These conversations can encompass a variety of questions, emotions, and perspectives. When both partners make a conscious effort to rebuild trust, each conversation may look different. One conversation may feel hopeful, both partners are committed to forgiveness and excited about the future. The next conversation may be marked by anger, confusion and uncertainty about the security of the relationship. Remember that healing, and forgiveness, are not linear. Both are often intentional, bi-directional decisions that take place over a period of time. It is to the benefit of the relationship to remove expectations or timelines for when the marriage should be “back to normal”.

Next Steps

The complexities of a relationship recovering from infidelity usually benefit from the assistance of a trained professional. Couples therapy can be helpful for a couple where a breach of trust transpired weeks ago or for a couple where the breach occurred decades ago. A trained couples therapist can help both partners to verbalize their feelings while gaining a better understanding of their partner’s perspectives. The therapist can also aid the couple to identify a path forward–whatever that looks like for the couple.

The process of a relationship recovering from infidelity can be a challenging one; a time that is mixed with tears and uncertainty. The process can also bring about change in behaviors, for both partners, creating a new sense of excitement and hopefulness for the next chapter of the relationship. If you and your partner want help navigating the complexities of recovering from infidelity, reach out to schedule!