Do you struggle with forgiving and letting go of grievances against you? Do you want to forgive but just don’t know how? If you struggle with forgiving someone, you are not alone. According to a study done by the Fetzer Institute, sixty-two percent (62%) of American agree that they need more forgiveness in their lives. With a need so common, we wanted to help you start the ball rolling in the right direction. R. Klimes, PhD outlines the following five steps in granting forgiveness:

Acknowledge

Acknowledge the anger and hurt caused by the clearly identified specific offense(s). Acknowledgement is vital to the process as it allows us to recognize not only the hurt we feel, but the specific event or offense that caused the hurt. It is difficult to forgive and possibly reconcile if that is an option without knowing specifics. This step is not to renew the harm or revisit the trauma, it is simply to be mindful of what we seek to forgive.

Bar

Bar revenge and any thought of inflicting harm as repayment or punishment to the offender. Forgiveness does not mean we forget. In fact, we must learn from what has happened. However, it does mean that the person who was wronged does not have thought or intent to seek revenge or punishment for the harm done. Allowing one’s mind to be consumed with “evening the score” will do more harm to the offended than the offender. Bar these thoughts from your mind and do not allow it to consume you.

Consider

Consider the offender’s perspective. Try to understand his/her attitude and behavior. Rarely does someone set out to offend or harm another, especially if it is someone we have a close relationship with. Rather, the offender’s perspective may not have been clearly communicated and their actions may have seemed justified or normal in their view. Many times, the offender’s perspective will shed light on the why behind the what and will bring empathy and understanding to the offended. This does not necessarily justify the offense as being socially or morally right, but it allows you to more easily extend forgiveness.

Decide

Decide to accept the hurt without unloading it on the offender. Passing it back and forth magnifies it. Forgiveness is a conscience and intentional decision. It doesn’t just “happen” but is carefully considered and given regardless of whether the offender “deserves” to be forgiven. It is a decision to not pass the hurt back and forth creating a much greater offense.

Extend

Extend compassion and good will to the offender. That releases the offended from the offense. Forgiveness should go beyond a decision kept to yourself. Extending compassion, verbalizing forgiveness, and releasing the offender from the offense goes a long way to mending a relationship if that is the goal. However, it also goes a long way to releasing you from the energy carrying the offense takes up in your life.

Conclusion

While these guides for forgiveness are powerful, there is often much work to be done for each step. Check out our blog for more helpful articles. Wondering if you are holding onto un-forgiveness? Here are some signs of an unforgiving heart.

Whether you are struggling to forgive due to communication issues or past trauma, we are here to help. 

Feel free to reach out and see if one of our therapists is a good fit or you can securely schedule your appointment online.