The Battle for Your Time

Ah, boundaries. A golden word in a world that is constantly clamoring for your attention. Friends, family, co-workers, hobbies, work, health…there is never an end to things that are fighting for your time and energy. Setting boundaries can be an easy thing to say but what does this actually look like and how on earth do we do it?

Why We Set Boundaries and Why They Fail

How many times have you set a boundary either in your head or out loud only to let it go the next time it comes up? “No, I don’t have time to coach little league this season” (not only are you coaching but you are also somehow in charge of snacks). “I can’t lend you more money, I had trouble paying for gas last month” (now you are running on “E” and the fuel light is getting brighter). Setting boundaries and maintaining them are two different things and both take practice to master. So what does this look like and how do you do it? I’m so glad you asked.

Step One: Evaluate What Matters Most

What is important to you and why is it important? How can you make your boundaries align with your values? Your boundaries are there to protect your time and energy, so take time to determine where they can best be used. “My family is the most important thing to me, I never have enough time with them”. Your boundary may be to not answer your work phone after a certain time or set aside a specific time each day to check emails. Review what is truly important to you and develop your boundaries to support those things.

Step Two: Be Honest With Yourself and Others

Be honest with yourself and others. What boundaries do you think you will be able to set and maintain? “I am never going to host a holiday get-together again!” There may be a time when you are able to or even want to host. Never and always are pretty extreme words, try to give yourself a bit of wiggle room. Start with small manageable goals. Consider what enforcing the boundaries will look like daily and identify things that can fit into your lifestyle.

Step Three: Consistency is Kindness

Be consistent. Consistency is the backbone of setting and maintaining boundaries. There will always be situations and people who ask (or demand) that you let go of your boundaries. “It is just this one time. But I’m really stuck! It has to be done today!”. Your boundaries will be tested constantly and it will be difficult to hold to them. Guilt is a powerful motivator and you may find that it pushes you to let go of your boundaries though everything else in you is screaming not to. Consistency is kindness. When others know what to expect and when we act with stability, we are actually showing kindness not just to ourselves but to others as well. You have set these boundaries considering who you are at your best self, be true to that and let your best self come through.

Step Four: Communicate Clearly

Communicate. No one is responsible for knowing your boundaries unless you specifically tell them! Others are not in our heads, and we cannot rely on others to read our minds or act in a certain way. “I guess I need to stop expecting others to treat me the way I treat them”. This statement is often one that we say when we are hurt; it is also very true. We cannot hold others to an expectation that we set, especially if we have not told them about that expectation. Communicating your boundaries can be one of the most difficult, scary, and necessary parts of the whole process. There are ways to make it a bit easier however. Do it during times of calm. Setting boundaries out of anger never works out well. Find the words to verbalize your boundaries and practice them to yourselves until you are confident they tell others what you really want.

Step Five: Expect Resistance

Be prepared for pushback- “You can blame the bee for the sting; but you learn nothing from that. The bee is what it always was. Sooner or later you have to find fault in yourself for believing it could be something different”- JM Storm. We can control the boundaries we set but we cannot control if others follow them with respect. It is entirely likely that you will receive pushback (internally and externally) on your new boundaries and it can take a while for others to get used to them.

Remain calm. Remain consistent. You deserve this!