How to Navigate Life as a People Pleaser (From a Therapist that Once Identified As One)

In her 2022 hit “You’re Losing Me,” penned following a separation from her long time boyfriend, Taylor Swift laments:

And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her

As a therapist and recovering people pleaser, I can relate. My clients– many who regale me with stories of putting other people’s needs before their own– likely somehow identify with Taylor’s lovelorn lyrics as well.

How to Tell if You’re a People Pleaser

• I double book myself because I don’t want to hurt people by saying no or rescheduling.
• Friends tell me that I apologize too much.
• I find it easier to avoid conflict.
• I become a “chameleon” in social situations, often blending into the opinions, likes, and dislikes of others.
• I don’t speak up when my feelings are hurt.

If any of these statements feel familiar, you– like me, Miss Swift, and many of my clients– may exhibit signs of people pleasing behavior.

What is People Pleasing?

Arguably, the most comprehensive definition comes from Natalie Lue, artist and author of The Joy of Saying No, when she describes people pleasing as:

“When we suppress and repress our own needs… to put others ahead of ourselves so that we can gain attention, affection, validation, approval, and love… or we do it to avoid conflict, criticism, additional stress, loss, rejection [and] abandonment.”

It underlines people pleasing as a means to an end: to get what we want (love, attention, validation, etc.), we must avoid the discomfort (and, in turn, the gorgeous depth) that comes with honest, authentic connection.

What are the Costs of People Pleasing?

When we engage in people pleasing behavior, we are choosing to withhold the genuine version of ourselves to others; as a result, we may have more difficulty in establishing authentic connections. We focus on the emotional needs of others above our own, and our own needs inevitably go unmet. This could lead to some frustration– or, at its worst, anger and resentment– in the long term.

In turn, people pleasing can have long-lasting effects on our self-esteem. It attaches our worth to what we can accomplish and how we are perceived, rather than the inherent value that we possess as individuals.

So, What Can We Do?

The best advice that I can provide for people pleasers (besides going to therapy), is threefold: practice grounding in the moment, pay attention to intention, and get clear on your values.

Ground in the Moment

People pleasing behavior is a protective behavior, meaning that it occurs in moments where our body feels like it could be in danger. Try practicing grounding techniques to self soothe in the moment to better notice the signs of people pleasing as they happen.

Look for Intentions

Look for the motivation behind why you want to offer help or apologize: am I doing this because it reflects my values or due to others’ expectations? Before apologizing, ask: what is it that I am really sorry for?

Get to Know Your Values

Reflect on these questions: What do you want? How do you feel? What makes me happy? Once you get clear on what you want and what it is that you value, it will feel more natural to advocate for yourself in stressful situations.

How I Approach People Pleasing in the Therapy Room

While there are many evidence-based approaches to people pleasing behavior, my approach as a therapist is as follows: getting to the root of the behavior, establishing better work-life balance, and bolstering self-confidence/insight into core values.

Getting to the Root

First, I guide my clients to explore how past experiences and upbringing impact thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. At the same time, I offer tools to better cope with the discomfort that comes with challenging people pleasing behavior.

Establishing Balance

Some questions we explore in session are: What are the warning signs I need to take a break? How can I set healthy boundaries when it comes to schedule?

Bolstering Knowledge of Values and Self Confidence

I facilitate the client’s efforts to address limiting beliefs and learn to speak to oneself from a place of compassion. Lastly, we will do an in-depth exploration of values, working towards taking action towards what is most important to them in life.

Conclusion

People pleasing behavior can happen to the best of us (even international popstars who pen eerily relatable lyrics). Luckily, we have control over how we choose to confront these seemingly natural tendencies.

Ready to stop people pleasing and start honoring your needs? Schedule a session today.